A living, breathing masterpiece.

"The Concept of Life"

Starring: Savannah Self, Clayton Self and introducing Evelyn Grace Self

Directed By: Dr. Sand, KVCH Nurses

Written By: Proud Parents

Rated: Perfect

Running Time: Forever Please

One of the great pleasures of being a brand new dad is that you are probably the only one in the room at the time of birth that gets to observe so many things at once.  Mom, valiant and courageous, is pushing through immense pressure and focused almost exclusively on delivering the life that has grown within her for 9 months.  The Doctor is expertly navigating that new creation through life's arrival gate.  There are Nurses and family members coaching mom; assuring her that the worst pain has indeed passed and that after just a few more breathless seconds, she will have her reward.  But fathers have varying levels of involvement.  Some might have a medical fascination with the process and may be actively engaged in the current pursuit to usher in a new life unharmed.  There are others that stand near mom's head, secretly hiding a racing heart rate and a million thoughts beneath a calm exterior.  While I can state firmly that I am in this latter category, it encompasses much more that it implies, and certainly more than could ever be expressed in written or spoken word.

Even as I sit writing this in the very room where my daughter's life began, watching her slowly rise and fall on my wife's chest, words escape me.  Breath comes only because life requires it and my brain tells my body to do it.  My entire consciousness rests symbolically within this tiny extension of myself, and the contribution of my genes is only half of what makes her a miracle.  Hearing the words of others, many of them the same, could never do this justice.  People use the common cliches to express happiness or strangely encouraging words of doom.  "Say goodbye to sleep as you know it" they say.  Maybe they see this is as a negative thing, but I think my heart stopped as our daughter took her first breath, and after that, who would want to waste time sleeping?  The hardest part to me is the feeling of helplessness every time she cries; or the way every touch betrays my lingering lack of confidence.  How do you bring this perfect being into the world, with all there is to understand, when you don't even yet understand it?  I know these fears will subside, but in the meantime they are contained in a single room, like a perfectly safe bubble surrounded by chaos.

There are several random bits of knowledge a man can take away from his first day of fatherhood.  Almost like chapters, the day of birth is punctuated by phases of emotion.  When I was told Savannah was dilated to 5 centimeters, no force on earth could have slowed me down from the speed at which I was scrambling to make sense of what was about to happen.  I have never taken LSD but from what I have read on the affects, this scenario may have been comparable.  On the way to the hospital, my hallucinogenic state made me perceive traffic as moving slower than it ever has.  Simple things like pressing the gas pedal suddenly had a manic sense of priority.  Luckily, the parking lot presented relatively few challenges.  Then immediately upon seeing my laboring wife, phase two started and the necessity to remain calm took over.

One of the fun parts amid all the fury of delivery day is the dictionary's worth of terms there are to learn.  Just having become used to the term "Lactation Consultant," which could potentially be the best job title in existence,  there are new gems like "Phlebotomist," which sounds ominously like some sort of mucusy circus performer.  Fortunately, for needle-phobes like myself, the entire delivery was carried out relatively needle free.  In fact, the biggest point of pride for the day was not even my own, as my wife braved intense contractions and 17 minutes of pushing completely free of medications or an epidural.  The only trouble came when the baby's heart rate dropped, momentarily spinning me into a panic as the medical staff instantly snapped into their successful routine that lead to a safe birth for both mom and child.  Then, at the very instant her head was fully visible and I first heard her cries, my heart stopped and my immediate tears told me all I needed to know.

Right now, more than 24 hours after Evelyn's birth, my arm is throbbing from a 'Tdap' vaccine; yet another small step to help the health of this new life I get to share responsibility for.  I am surrounded by the people who have always been most important to me and a new one who's value cannot be calculated, who's meaning cannot be measured and who's importance I will spend my life trying to live up to.  My heart now beats outside my body and it has never beat as strongly or as purposefully.  I feel that to adequately compile my entire range of feelings and thoughts, I would have to write something much more substantial in length, but it would take the better part of an eternity to read it.  Besides, the limitations of human expressions and vocabulary aren't enough.  Becoming a father has diminished every thought I ever had about what it truly means to be a man.  Lucky for me, I have the perfect example of human life breathing just a few feet from me and through her I will learn what it means for the first time.