Sloppy Joes

G.I. Joe: Retaliation
written by Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick

directed by Jon M. Chu

Starring Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis and Channing Tatum

PG-13

110 Min

What could Bruce Willis be thinking?  Last month, he put the nail in John McClane's coffin with "A Good Day to Die Hard" and now he's even giving the original Joe a bad name in "G.I. Joe: Retaliation."  I'd have considered "A Good Day to Die Hard" tolerable if I'd known just how bad "G.I. Joe" would be.  And boy is it bad.  This film is like the dumb jock in a room full of dumb jocks.  With one incomprehensible scene after another, this is an excruciating experience in every regard.  If you want a better use of your money, go to your nearest gym and pay one of the customers $10 to flex his muscles for you before punching you in the stomach.

I never saw the first "G.I. Joe" but I can't imagine it has much to offer if this is all they could come up with for a sequel.  It involves a group of supposedly elite soldiers who are dubbed "the Joes" and are apparently the gold standard in United States security.  They sweat a lot, and shoot stuff and blow things up real good and essentially run around doing pretty much whatever they'd like as far as I can tell.  Oh, one of them is Channing Tatum, code name 'Duke.'  I guess he's the leader; and he sucks at video games.  Then there is Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), whose name makes it sound like he should be fighting alongside another familiar set of Hasbro toys.

There are some bad guys as well.  The one called Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) is using nano-technology to pose as Jonathan Pryce, who is the POTUS.  Seriously, his character name is "President."  He performs the task as well as any other movie President, always asking a group of sociopath advisers what they think the proper course of action is.  In one really absurd sequence, the poser President attends an international meeting where several world leaders pull out their own nuclear launch devices as if it were the CES of WMDs.  Anyway, the POTUS poser uses his power to wipe out all but just a few Joes, who then must find and recruit who I think is supposed to be the original Joe (Bruce Willis) to help them pummel the POTUS and preserve the peace.  They're all still sweating, mind you.

Would it help for me to have seen the first film?  I don't think so.  This one does a bang-up job of telling the audience who is who and what's what and all that.  But each scene is completely disconnected from the one before it.  If the narrative were constructed of sentences it would look something like: "BANG!  Dumb action.  Stupid dialogue.  Dumb action.  BANG!  Mediocre musical score.  Sweat.  Dumb action.  BANG!  You get the picture.  There is a middle act ninja fight on the side of some snowy cliffs.  So if that's your thing, you're welcome to it.  But not a single event in this movie challenged my thought process or so much as gave me a heart palpitation.  

Mercifully, the film does eventually end; but I kept wondering what could have possibly delayed the film's release for nine months.  It certainly could not have been improved in any way.  My guess is the studio figured "G.I. Joe; Retaliation" would get smashed by all the blockbusters that it would have competed with on its original release date last summer.  Or maybe somebody said: "this is literally the worst movie ever made; let's make it worser."  Yeah, I know 'worser' isn't a word, but "G.I. Joe: Retaliation" isn't a movie.  It's a disaster.  I think Bruce Willis owes everyone an apology.

What happened to the North's witch?

Oz the Great and Powerful
Starring James Franco, Michelle Williams, Mila Kunis, Zach Braff and Joey King
Written by Mitchell Kapner & David Lindsay-Abaire
directed by Sam Raimi
Rated PG

130 Minutes

 



It is undeniable that "Oz the Great and Powerful" is a lot of fun.  This is a beautifully realized film, with the unmistakable Sam Raimi signature on it.  The very opening credits almost not need mention his name for their revealing style.  With plenty to offer a modern-day family, but not much to stand on when compared against the classic, this is a movie worth seeing just for the sake of seeing the land of Oz on screen once again.

As a prequel, I suppose "Oz the Great and Powerful" has a whole lot more going for it than the stage musical "Wicked," which will undoubtedly be translated to film at some point.  "Wicked" undermines every plot detail of "The Wizard of Oz" and completely misses the point.  This new Disney film wins just by staying more true to the magic and scope of the 1939 classic.  It even begins in black and white; filmed and displayed in a square frame format to match its predecessor and emphasize the dreary relism of Kansas.  James Franco plays the Oz of the title; Oz being short for something I can't recall.  Or even pronounce.

Oz is a talented but selfish circus act; breaking girls' hearts by selling them a line of bull just to integrate a pretty face into his show.  He comes off as obviously phony, and when an audience member calls him out, he pulls off a pretty neat trick.  Of course, being good isn't good enough.  Oz wants to be truly great.  So much, in fact, that he turns down the offer of a happy life with Annie (Michelle Williams) just to make it big.  And boy does he make it big.  When a wild tornado hits the circus, he is swept away in his hot air balloon to the wonderful land of Oz.  Believe me when I say he notices the name.

Right off the bat, he meets Theodora (Mila Kunis), a soft-spoken witch who gets a bit of a crush on him.  Seeing how naive she is, Oz is more than happy to oblige, especially when she tells him he is the great wizard whose coming was fortold by her father.  The problem, you see, is that the wicked-witch (nope, not that one) Evanora (Rachel Weisz) will do anything to stop the prophecy coming true, including sending her batch of flying monkeys to intervene.  And this is just the beginning of Oz's laundry list of hurdles he must overcome.

It's worth noting that once the wizard makes it to Oz, the screen format opens up and the color becomes blindingly vibrant.  This is an absolutely beautiful movie, with cinematography by Peter Deming and a list of art directors worth checking imdb for.  The only complaint I have is that so much of this is obviously digitally created; giving it more than a passing resemblance to Tim Burton's 'Alice in Wonderland,' but also taking away from the magic of the original film, which was a landmark production in 1939.  The characters, too, aren't as much fun this time around.  Just like Dorothy had companions, so does Oz.  He acquires a truly good flying monkey named Finley (Zach Braff), who sounds a lot like his friend Frank back home.  And there is a fragile little girl made of china (Joey King) who must remind Oz of a crippled girl he failed to heal during a cricus performance.

These are well-developed characters, but I was longing for the living, breathing presence of the Scarecrow and Tin-Man.  Even the cowardly lion makes a brief appearance, just not as you remember him.  The best connection to "The Wizard of Oz" is Michelle Williams as Glinda the good.  She gives a truly enchanting performance that echoes the Billie Burke version while also claiming it as her own.  As Theodora, Mila Kunis is fine; but considering the-uh-transformation her character goes through, she was perhaps miscast.

There is a pretty rousing climax that sets things up nicely for a sequel to bridge this film with the classic you know and love.  For that, it's worth the price of admission.  Sam Raimi is apparently not on board to do another, and that's just as well.  He has provided a wonderful entertainment that really reaches to honor its inspiration.  Sometimes it hits the mark.  But I think if you're anything like me, you'll want to go home after, put in your copy of "The Wizard of Oz" and smile while thinking to yourself: they don't make them like they used to.

Down, but not out...

Dead Man Down
Starring Colin Farrell, Noomi Rapace and Terrance Howard
written by J.H Wyman
directed by Niels Arden Oplev

Rated R
110 Minutes

 

It’s too bad that the trailers for “Dead Man Down” make it look like just another generic action movie with gratuitous gun violence and explosions; because director Niels Arden Oplev serves up what is actually a deeply involving character drama featuring two tortured souls against the backdrop of an organized crime setting.  Sure, “Dead Man Down” has violence on its mind, but with knockout performances by Colin Farrell and Noomi Rapace, this is a much smarter feature than its marketing would imply. 

Colin Farrell is a criminally under-used actor, but turns in possibly his best performance yet playing Victor, an enforcer for Alphonse (Terrance Howard), who operates a number of buildings throughout New York to maintain crime rackets.  Victor doesn’t say much; but instead seems to always be regarding things with quiet focus.  He listens intently to his only friend Darcy (Dominic Cooper) talk about his new baby and how fatherhood can turn even the hardest hearts soft.  There are other characters of interest; like Beatrice (Noomi Rapace).  She lives across from Victor and they have entire conversations that consist almost entirely of waves and glances.

Beatrice is slightly disfigured after a car accident, but gets the courage to call Victor up for a meal.  He doesn’t even notice her facial scars, but holds back for other reasons.  Without spilling the beans, Victor and Beatrice are both grieving and both want revenge.  While Victor has set up an elaborate scheme for his revenge, Beatrice struggles to even function because she’s so shattered by what has happened to her.  It is quickly revealed that she has witnessed Victor doing something related to his occupation.  She has video and threatens to turn him in unless he kills the man who disfigured her.  He explains that what she saw is not what it appeared to be and reveals his background.

It is these developments that occupy the bulk of “Dead Man Down” with maddening urgency.  Both of these characters are short-sighted by their grief and while the organized crime plot plays a vital role in Victor’s past, it is mainly just the vehicle for his journey of renewal.  Victor and Beatrice begin to realize things about one another that make them rethink their original plans.  And while the film is not devoid of action, it is sparse and serves only to punctuate the desperation of Victor’s circumstances.

The screenplay by J.H. Wyman is so nuanced in its presentation of these characters.  When the film is winding toward its conclusion, with the tension becoming unbearable, the script finds a perfect balance of payoff; offering action, but resisting the urge to end on cathartic carnage.  What happens to the people who deserve what’s coming to them isn’t what you’d expect.  And that’s really kind of nice.  There are even brief moments of sympathy for Alphonse, who isn’t painted as pure evil; and Terrance Howard plays him subtly, as a man who is probably a coward.  As Beatrice, Noomi Rapace continues to show her range and appeal to an American Audience.  She worked under Oplev for the original Swedish adaption of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” and there are shades of her Lisbeth Salander character from that picture in this one.

The real standout of “Dead Man Down” is Colin Farrell.  He is fantastic as an introspective man tortured by his tragic past, and mercilessly patient in his plan for revenge.  And  “Dead Man Down” requires a patient audience; one that can sit through scenes of subtle glances and grim conversation.  Action hungry audiences won’t find what they’re looking for, but it’s great for those who can relate to loss and desperation.  That a movie called “Dead Man Down” can wallow in these things and still end on a happy note is impressive.  After all, it begins with two people wanting revenge and in the end getting exactly what they need. 

So dark that even the birds can't see...

"Dark Skies"

written and directed by Scott Stewart

Starring Keri Russell, Josh Hamilton and J.K. Simmons

Rated PG-13

97 Minutes

There's haunted house movies, there's alien movies; and then there's "Dark Skies," which fuses both into a chilling and effective feature about a family that gets put through the ringer by unseen forces.  With fine-tuned performances by Keri Russell and Josh Hamilton, "Dark Skies" plays with the atmosphere of "Poltergeist" with a touch of "Signs" mixed in.  It also has a pretty bonkers climax with a bold and well-earned twist ending that I didn't see coming.  This is another February release that gives you your money's worth.

Writer-director Scott Stewart is only on his third feature film after the underwhelming "Legion" and "Priest."  Perhaps with "Dark Skies" he is coming into his own.  This is a well-directed film, with a structure that starts out calmly enough, before unleashing a relentless series of haunting images and frightening events.  Stewart wisely avoids jump scares, and his script gives the characters honest reactions to the things happening around them, without turning them into idiots.  Much of that comes from the convincing performances by Keri Russell and Josh Hamilton - it's really easy to believe in their strained marriage.

Russell plays Lacy Barrett, a real estate agent struggling to sell an outdated home.  Her husband Daniel (Josh Hamilton) is an out of work architect and is three months behind on the mortgage.  As if their economic struggles weren't enough, they begin noticing some strange things around the house; like the entire kitchen pantry stacked up to the ceiling in the middle of the night.  At first, Lacy suspects maybe her son Sam (Kadan Rockett) has some sleep walking issues, but when all the family photos go missing, she suspects something more sinister is happening.  Their oldest son Jesse (Dakota Goyo) is at that awkward transition between puberty and manhood, which is difficult enough to manage without problems at home.  He has a tender way of calming his younger brother at night; by communicating with him via walkie-talkie from his room.

Before long, the weird stuff starts to get out of control.  For instance, nobody seems to be able to explain why three separate bird migrations slammed into their house at once, resulting in hundreds of dead starlings on their lawn.  And what of the mysterious marks and bruises that begin to appear on the boys?  Or Daniel's bizarre rash behind his ear?  To reveal much more would be to spoil to fun, which by this point might suggest a ghost is to blame.  Not quite.  Although, Daniel does eventually discover something shocking on security camera footage after Lacy claims she saw...someone in the house.  This causes them to contact Edwin Pollard (J.K. Simmons), who is an "expert on these things." 

There is some really nice effects work worth a mention, and Stewart relies on stark imagery rather than overdoing it on CGI, although much of the climax benefits from some expert use of it.  There are a couple transition shots that stand-out as well, which trigger changes in the narrative before things get truly nuts.  The ending might be disappointing for some, but it reveals such a gut-punching twist that it works.  Plus, considering what the Barretts learned from that Pollard wacko, I'm not sure that any conventional happy ending is possible.  How about that - the movie is called "Dark Skies" for a reason.

Not to be confused with 'Snatch'

'Snitch'

written by Justin Haythe & Ric Roman Waugh

directed by Ric Roman Waugh

Starring Swayne Johnson, Rafi Gavron, Barry Pepper and Susan Sarandon

Rated PG-13

112 Minutes

Dwayne Johnson, the actor formerly known as 'The Rock', has tried hard to move away from his professional wrestling persona by starring in a series of preposterous action roles.  Surprisingly, "Snitch" provides him his most understated performance yet in a movie that is better than you'd think, but still bears the mark of an amateur director.  It also has one of those giveaway title cards that says "based on a real event," which means you can expect at least half the feature to be a total work of fiction.

The director is Ric Roman Waugh, who has been a stuntman in nearly 50 feature films, which may explain an incomprehensible chase scene that happens in the first few minutes of "Snitch."  Jason Collins (Rafi Gavron) is running from the DEA after they bust in to intercept a shipment of ecstasy pills that Jason just received.  As he hops fences and sprints back alleys, the cameraman seemingly sprints right along behind him, resulting in one of the worst cases of queasy-cam I've ever seen.  Mercifully, Jason is swiftly caught and the camera work calms down for the duration of the feature.

While "Snitch" claims to be based on a real event, I question the film's depiction of a completely irresponsible and stubborn state prosecutor played by Susan Sarandon.  She tells Jason's father John Matthews that in order for her to reduce Jason's sentence, he will be required to dime out other drug dealers or known traffickers.  Problem is, Jason doesn't know any and the pill incident was only the result of a stupid mistake.  John accepts this, and offers to bring in a big shot cartel leader all by himself.  This is where the film strains credibility because the Sarandon character goes for the idea almost without hesitation.  

Matthews owns a construction business and enlists the help of an employee named Daniel (Jon Bernthal) who has a connection to a big time drug runner.  Daniel is trying to go straight and support his family, but after introducing John to Malik (Michael Kenneth Williams), he is forced to go on the first run with John as a show of good faith.  Apparently even in the drug trade, professionalism is paramount.  The first run is monitored by Agent Cooper (Barry Pepper), who tries to bring reason to the situation by telling John how deep he's getting.  Cooper holds off on nabbing Malik when he realizes that on the receiving end of the money is Juan 'The Mole' Pintera (Benjamin Bratt), a cartel leader who wears some very fancy sun glasses, but never does much else.  

This sounds like the perfect set up for a climax full of shoot-outs, explosions and double crosses but "Snitch" stays pleasantly grounded in the tension that builds on John as time runs out.  Oh sure, there is a riveting freeway chase and a couple close scrapes, but they aren't sensationalized for a carnage-hungry audience.  In fact, the PG-13 rating stays true to its expectations, and delivers the goods without foul language and excessive violence.  Dwayne Johnson is also pretty convincing as an average Joe who is just trying to save his family.  Considering his bulking size, that's no easy task, but he pulls it off.

With some practice and a truly great script, Ric Roman Waugh may emerge as a competent director in the years to come.  "Snitch" is certainly a good try, and considering its release at the tail end of box office dumping season, you could do worse for weekend entertainment in February.  And I'd like to see Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson fill his resume with a few more roles like this; where he isn't expected to pummel everything just because he's built like Mr. Universe.  Although, he totally could have taken that sissy cartel guy.  Just sayin.  

I Hope She's Not My Real Mother...

“Mama”
written by Andrés Muschietti, Barbara Muschietti and Neil Cross
directed by Andrés Muschietti
Starring Jessica Chastain, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Daniel Kash and Javier Botet
Rated PG-13
100 Minutes

 

There is a perception among horror movie aficionados that in order for a horror film to be any good, it must have an R rating.  Perhaps that allows for the freedom of adding more blood and gore and a few liberal uses of the F word.  You know the one.  Then there is “Mama,” a terrifically atmospheric tale that earns its truly horrifying moments using the more accessible PG-13 rating.  First time director Andrés Muschietti delivers an effectively creepy story that is ‘presented’ via executive producer Guillermo del Toro and for once, that actually means something because “Mama” has his trademark style all over it.

I had no prior knowledge of “Mama” until the eleventh hour before going to see it; and I’m really glad I went in having no idea what to expect.  If you can, avoid the trailers and I think you’ll have a better time because while the film does indulge in a couple generic jump-scare moments, it mostly works off its own bleak atmosphere and dark story.  It begins with a father (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) absconding with his two young daughters after shooting their mother.  He recklessly speeds on snowy roads and after crashing, retreats with the young girls into a cabin in the woods.  In a further attempt to win father of the year, he contemplates shooting the girls before he is interrupted by….something.

Five years on, the girls’ Uncle Lucas (also played by Coster-Waldau) searches desperately for his nieces, all the while trying to maintain a functional relationship with his rock-band girlfriend Annabel (Jessica Chastain, miles away from her role in “Zero Dark Thirty”).  Lucas’ hired men find the girls in the very same cabin, filthy and feral.  The scene of their discovery is pretty disturbing and probably aided by CGI to get the animalistic movements just right.  The girls are placed into the care of Lucas and Annabel; the oldest girl, Victoria (Megan Charpentier) seems to retain memories of her former self and begins to adapt to normal life again.  The youngest, Lilly (Isabelle Nélisse) is a different story.  She sleeps under the bed and appears to depend on an unseen caregiver that Victoria refers to as ‘mama.’
  

I must resist divulging further details to preserve the many legitimate twists and surprises.  “Mama” seems to stick to convention, before offering up a completely unforeseen series of events; such as the girls being left alone with Annabel after an “accident” puts Uncle Lucas in the hospital.  The movie succeeds in providing some horrifying imagery without giving in to unnecessary gore and bloodshed, although I would argue that “Mama” may indeed be too much for some 13 year-olds.  It’s worth noting that none of the adult characters in the movie should be considered role models for good parenting; least of all ‘mama.’

The ending of “Mama” will be much discussed and debated, and will certainly be a controversial one.  I looked up comments by Guillermo del Toro and Muschietti and discovered that they were willing to fight long and hard to retain the ending as it is.  Considering the nature of the story, I will say that the ending is unconventional, but bold; and with a tale this disturbing, probably even makes the most sense.  In any case, this is a smart, crafty horror film that adequately delivers more than a few effective chills.  If you go with a date, make sure you get her home on time; lest she have a parent like “Mama.”  You’ve been warned.

He Said He'd Be Back

“The Last Stand”
written by Andrew Knauer, Jeffrey Nachmanoff and George Nolfi
directed by Jee-woon Kim
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker, Peter Stormare and Eduardo Noriega
Rated R
107 Minutes

 

Aside from a couple glorified cameos in “The Expendables” features, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been absent from movies for nearly a decade.  He makes his return in “The Last Stand,” an action movie that recalls some of Schwarzenegger’s classic tough guy roles.  This is a competent feature from director Jee-woon Kim, making his American directorial debut.  While it doesn’t do anything innovative with the genre, “The Last Stand” is pleasantly old-fashioned, with sporadic bursts of spectacle on-par with “The Fast and the Furious” franchise.  This is a brisk, entertaining flick that knows how to flex its muscles.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has aged pretty well, and the screenplay wisely avoids overdoing it on old age jokes; although there are a couple jabs at the star’s expense.  The narrative is absurdly expository, composed of throw-away dialogue that lays everything out for the audience.  That’s okay; because this is the kind of feature where you aren’t required to think much.  It helps that Jee-woon Kim knows precisely what kind of material he’s working with, and injects the picture with a gleefully western sensibility.

Schwarzenegger plays Ray Owens, Sheriff of a small Arizona town dubbed Sommerton Junction.  Owens has retired there after a hard, decorated career with the LAPD; and wouldn’t you know it, he’s about to start a relaxing weekend off.  Even a vague familiarity with this kind of material will tell you what happens next.  Up in Las Vegas, ‘the most dangerous cartel leader since Pablo Escobar’ is about to be transported by the FBI.  His name is Gabriel Cortez (played by Eduardo Noriega), which is about as generic as you’d want a cartel leader name to be. FBI Agent John Bannister (Forest Whitaker) heads up the transport, but of course, things don’t quite go as planned and Cortez gets sprung by his endless army of heavily-armed thugs.

Driving a super-powered Corvette, Cortez flies down the highway at top speed en-route to Mexico, while his lead henchman Burrell (Peter Stormare) builds him a ‘mobile assault bridge’ across the canyon border just outside Sommerton Junction.  Agent Bannister leads a conventionally inept effort to stop Cortez by setting up wimpy roadblocks to get ploughed through by a couple heavily-armored assault vehicles that are seen exactly one time.  Whether these are driven by Burrell’s crew is unclear; if so, they are quite skilled at being in two places at once, but nevermind.  As these things go, there is only one man capable of stopping Cortez and his crew, and Bannister predictably calls on Sheriff Owens to lead the titular last stand.

This is all a good deal of fun, with a surprising amount of gratuitous violence, which is about right for a movie like this.  Owens relies on a skeleton crew of Deputies including Luis Guzman in a classic Guzman role, Jamie Alexander as the pretty face and Zach Gilford as the doomed rookie.  One of the film’s mistakes is the casting of Johnny Knoxville, essentially playing the same manic version of himself that he always plays.  In a movie that already has plenty of light moments, his buffoonery is a bit much, although it is through his character that the small team is able to acquire adequate firepower to battle the onslaught of villains.  The rousing climax packs a punch, with well-staged action that highlights Arnold’s strength as an action star.  He’s still got it for sure, and holds up quite well in a last-ditch fist fight on that assault bridge.  One of the stand-out sequences is a clever take on corn field hide-and-seek played out entirely between two cars.

“The Last Stand” is perfect for a rainy day viewing with popcorn held firmly in hand.  If anything, it is elevated past its many clichés by sure-handed direction and the nostalgia of seeing Schwarzenegger back on the big screen handing out beatings and gunfire.  There is a late scene where a diner patron asks the Sheriff how he’s doing.  “Old,” Schwarzenegger says.  The patron replies “nah, you still got a ways to go yet.”  Let’s hope so.