All Pain. No Gain.

Pain and Gain
written by Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely
directed by Michael Bay

Starring Mark Wahlberg, Duane Johnson, Anthony Mackie and Tony Shalhoub

Rated R

129 Minutes

The best thing that can be said about Michael Bay's "Pain and Gain" is that, like most of its characters, it is pumped full of steroids.  This is such a sporadic and clumsy picture, that to call it incoherent would pay it a compliment.  I think what "Pain and Gain" proves is what I've always suspected - Michael Bay is not a first unit director.  He belongs in a special effects department, blowing stuff up real good and staying as far as possible from everyone else.

Supposedly, Michael Bay wanted to slow things down after delivering three "Transformers" blockbusters.  Well, wouldn't you know, "Pain and Gain" speeds things up exponentially, almost rendering those Autobots comatose.  It begins with a manic chase scene, only to rewind about four weeks to show a manic montage of Mark Wahlberg totally going nuts before REALLY totally going nuts.  He's been off the rails before, but I'm almost convinced he filmed this entire movie completely under the influence.  Strangely enough, "Pain and Gain" actually provides Duane Johnson one of his best roles yet, and he shows quite a range here in a film that doesn't deserve his performance.

"Pain and Gain" is 'unfortunately based on a true story' and chronicles three low life fitness freaks and the bizarre and gruesome crime spree they unleash in Miami during the 90's .  Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) is employed with a Miami gym doing....well, not much of anything.  He seems to live by the philosophy "if I think I deserve it, the universe will serve it."  If you happen to have any friends that believe similarly, do yourself a favor and unfriend them on Facebook; the universe will thank you, I promise.  Daniel takes to envying a client named Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub) and decides he wants "everything he has."  In order to take it, Daniel recruits Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) and Paul Doyle (Duane Johnson), two other body builders with nothing better to do.

What follows is a shamefully irreverent movie that defies categorization.  At first, "Pain and Gain" is supposedly a comedy, considering that the three criminals try crazy things like dressing up as ninjas to kidnap Kershaw.  Then, as the crime gets progressively more involved and the stakes become higher, there are jarring tonal shifts that are uncomfortable and awkward.  Bay apparently has no sense of comic timing; but what's most baffling is that he finds any of this funny at all.  Considering the unspeakable cruelty committed toward characters in this film,  I couldn't help but realize that the characters are based, however loosely, on real people.  If I were the families of the victims, I'd send Bay hate mail for the rest of my life.

With that said, I must concede that Duane Johnson is the best part about any scene he's in.  It's just too bad the material is so abhorrent, because this is exactly the kind of performance Johnson needs to widen his use. Mackie isn't weighty enough to leave an impression either way (and a running gag throughout the film is that he can't impress at all, if you know what I mean).  Popping up late in the game is the always welcome Ed Harris, basically pulling a glorified cameo here as a Private Detective that is apparently given international jurisdiction to chase Lugo to the Bahamas.

Do yourself a favor.  Do not see "Pain and Gain."  You'll only assist deluding Michael Bay into thinking he can make something good outside of "Transformers."  You'll also be party to finding humor in a series of events that aren't the least bit funny.  Sure, these guys were idiots, but they were idiots who had no regard for human life.  So why should anyone fork over money to watch a completely wrong-headed film that attempts to make light of anything they did?  I guess you could sum it up with that line: "if I think I deserve it, the universe will serve it."  And we wonder what's wrong with America.

Sci-Fi At Its Best

Oblivion

written by Joseph Kosinski &Karl Gajdusek & Michael Arndt

directed by Joseph Kosinski

Starring Tom Cruise, Olga Kurylenko and Morgan Freeman

Rated PG-13
124 Min

For its first hour or so, "Oblivion" plays like it's assembled from the spare parts of all the classic sci-fi films.  That's not negative criticism either, because with direction by Joseph Kosinski, "Oblivion" immediately provides imagery worth remembering while setting up a story that at first seems inspired by countless familiar ones.  Then in the second act, it throws in some twists and surprises and becomes something else entirely.  This is a truly spectacular film that could easily stand next next to the great sci-fi pictures of old.

Joseph Kosinski has only one previous directing credit to his name - "Tron: Legacy," 2010's sequel to the 80's staple starring Jeff Bridges.  "Tron: Legacy" was essentially ignored on its release, but is an exceptional entertainment with striking images if its own.  Now with "Oblivion," Kosinski is apparently working from an original story, and if this is a sign of things to come, he will be in high demand.  The story itself starts out simple enough.  In the year 2077, earth has been wiped out from nuclear war, and sometime later, an alien race called "scavengers" came to utilize the planet's resources.  To preserve what little is left of the planet in hopes to rebuild, Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) repairs drones that defend gigantic power converters that use sea water to do...something.  His partner Victoria (Andrea Riseborough) sits at a control desk in their sky tower to provide him with directives given by Sally (Melissa Leo), who commands everything from the Tet, a space station that sits just outside the earth's atmosphere.

This may sound like a live-action "Wall-E," but Oblivion has quite a bit more going for it.  For one thing, Jack and Victoria are lovers; after all, they are presumably the only two flesh bodies on earth.  Trouble is, Jack keeps dreaming about a woman named Julia (Olga Kurylenko), but he's never met her and can't explain why he remembers New York City the way it was before he was even alive.  Although, there is that mandatory memory wipe every five years.  Hmm.  This is just where "Oblivion" begins to lengthen its mystery and intrigue the audience.  You may be wondering for instance where Morgan Freeman comes into play?  From the trailers you may have gathered he leads some sort of underground resistance.  Yes, but resistance to what?  The answers are where "Oblivion" has its fun and it unravels at a perfect pace, revealing bits of information at the exact moment that the same bits dawn on you.  Smart stuff.

Nobody should leave this movie bored, either.  There is plenty of action to satisfy those hungry for it, but "Oblivion" is not a slave to it, and employs only what makes sense for the world it inhabits.  What matters is how we feel about who the action is happening to, and Kosinski is wise to have cast Cruise and Kurylenko, who play their roles earnestly, which really sells the deeper ideas always just under the surface.  Sci-fi though it may be, this is pretty weighty material, with some truly thought-provoking ideas about the nature of our own existence.  Not only that, but how our existence both relies on, and contributes to the existence of others.  If you're thinking "well duh," just wait until the climax of "Oblivion" and you might get what I mean.

With the trend of sequels and remakes at its absolute crux, it's refreshing when something like "Oblivion" comes along; a mostly original sci-fi movie with timeless appeal and a great many things on its mind.  It's certainly worth more than one viewing just to wrap your head around everything it wants to say.  But even if you see it once, you'll be glad you did.  It's the kind of movie that won't leave you hanging.  I only had one question during the last moments and then "Oblivion" went right ahead and answered it with the last shot.  It's that kind of movie.

The Other Cabin in the Woods

Evil Dead

written by Fede Alvarez & Rod Sayagues
directed by Fede Alvarez
Starring Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez and Lou Taylor Pucci
Rated R

91 Minutes

Horror movie remakes are a staple of the Hollywood machine now days; if for no other reason than to please the increasingly gore-hungry young adult audience.  In that regard, Sam Raimi's "The Evil Dead" seems like it would be a good candidate for re-visiting, which Raimi himself essentially already did with "Evil Dead II."  But as directed by Fede Alvarez, this new version slaps the cult classic in the face with a bigger budget and buckets of blood, completely missing the point of a good remake.  Oh sure there are nods to the original here, as well as unrelenting gore; but Alvarez' "Evil Dead" is irredeemably bad and does nothing to distinguish itself from any other run of the mill gore horror plaguing america's big screens.

The essential element of Sam Raimi's "Evil Dead" trilogy is the undercurrent of humor.  First of all, by casting Bruce Campbell as the iconic Ash, Raimi nails the absurdity of over-the-top horror movie acting.  He also softens the intensity of the violence by staging it like the punchline of a bad joke.  Sure, there is blood and guts, but you can also see the unfinished roof of the set as Ash runs through the house.  It's funny, you see.  But this new version, boy does it take itself seriously.  Not only are at least two of the characters borderline sociopaths, but they are completely and utterly stupid to boot.  Once things start spiraling out of control, their big plan is to flail about with kitchen knives, nail guns, chain saws, syringes hooked to car batteries (seriously), a shotgun and another, much bigger knife.  Sound like fun to you?  I thought not.

Even the original "Evil Dead" story is throwaway, but this one sinks itself by going the other way and having too much plot.  Mia (Jane Levy), is a heroin addict trying to go cold turkey.  Her estranged brother David (Shiloh Fernandez) meets her and some friends at their childhood vacation cabin with the intention of not leaving until Mia is sober.  Why the cabin has a totally implausible amount of decay and filth after just a few years is never explained.  But I suppose it looks that way because scary cabins must always look that way.  Indeed, things do get very scary when the gang finds a disturbing scene under the cabin via a hidden trap door.  What they find will not be mentioned by me simply because I'd like to keep my dinner down.  Those familiar with Raimi's original will recognize a book that becomes central to the story, although the book in this version isn't utilized nearly as well, and almost becomes an afterthought in the final act.

One of the idiots, Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci), reads from the book and awakens some nasty demons that create some ruckus.  Ruckus is the nice word for it.  So demented is Eric that he doesn't even TELL anybody when he notices that pages in the book are being fulfilled before his eyes.  He pretends to be just as surprised as everyone else until he realizes that, you know, gruesome death is still death.  There ain't no coming back from that.  What sets Raimi's gore apart though is that he had a low budget and used creativity to fill in the gaps.  For instance, demon vomit was actually pea soup and looked like it, too.  Alvarez cranks the gore notch up to eleven and uses every make-up technique at his disposal to make each scene of carnage as disgusting as possible.  Good for him, I guess.

I could go on, but those familiar with the far superior Raimi version will know about how this one ends up.  My theory is that everything that happens is just imagined through Mia's drug-induced psychosis.  Heck, there is even some nasty business with a needle at one point and I heard a male in the audience at my screening say "sick."  There is your one-word review of the new "Evil Dead" - sick.  No doubt it will earn its budget back in spades.  Or blood.  But I would urge anyone and everyone to stay away from this one.  It isn't any fun.  Not without Raimi; and certainly not without Ash.

All You Need is Love. Seriously.

The Host
written by Stephanie Meyer & Andrew Niccol
directed by Andrew Niccol
Starring Saoirse Ronan, Diane Kruger, William Hurt and Max Irons
Rated PG-13
125 Minutes

 

After seeing “The Host,” I think I finally understand Stephanie Meyer.  She must be possessed by one of the alien life forms in this story.  The aliens, called Souls, inhabit human bodies and strip away anything resembling realistic human emotion.  While their ultimate goal is never quite clear, it makes for a story that is at least more interesting than “Twilight.”  But as Meyer’s M.O. goes, she forgoes the opportunity to flesh out compelling material in favor of sappy romance triangles and adolescent hormones.

Andrew Niccol is an excellent director and his best feature to date, “Gattaca,” is a modern sci-fi masterpiece.  He brings a similar visual panache to “The Host,” which has some truly glossy moments including vehicles that seem to be made of mirrors and a lot of inhabited human beings with the same ethereal blue eye color.  The Souls themselves are also pretty captivating, and Niccol takes at least two opportunities to focus on them while Antonio Pinto’s effective score accompanies.

The story has a lot of potential and Saoirse Ronan has a great deal to do with that.  For those that remember, she played the young Briony Tallis in “Atonement” and walked away with the movie.  Here she plays Melanie, and when the movie opens we find her fighting off a band of inhabited humans called Seekers.  After putting up a good fight, Melanie is captured and the Seekers imbed a Soul within her mind.  How they do this is pretty fun to watch, but disturbing if you think about it too long. 

The Soul that inhabits Melanie is called ‘Wanderer’ due to the fact that it has been on many planets before earth.  Wanderer’s job is to scan Melanie’s mind and deliver any information to the Seekers that may help them find remaining humans that they predictably dub “the resistance.”  Melanie, however, remains conscious within her body and fights with Wanderer for control of it.

With a strong visual palette and a halfway intriguing story, “The Host” starts off promising enough.  But poor Andrew Niccol is held back from really getting into the good stuff by a dud of a screenplay, which was co-written by Meyer herself.  So restricted and narrow is the story, Niccol could feasibly refer to Stephanie Meyer as “the ole’ ball and chain.”  Meyer has drafted a world with endless possibilities for dramatic tension and urgent conflict but instead chooses to again wallow in idealistic teen romance.  And the love triangle in this one is really bizarre – with two guys competing for the affections of two different female personalities but only one physical body.  Uh huh.

We never get a sense of what the Souls want, or even a backstory to explain why they came to earth at all.  And those pesky Seekers; try as they might, they can’t find Melanie/Wanderer once she runs off so they basically give up and go home so that the love story can play out in familiar fashion.  There’s another thing – Melanie and her Soul start to respect each other and become friends, and with infinite philosophies to discuss and things to learn from each other, they spend their time bickering about which boy the other one is allowed to kiss or not kiss.

I have no idea how much of this resembles the book it’s based on but really, who cares?  By now, Stephanie Meyer has proven herself to be a one-trick pony.  So caught up is she in her lovey-dovey fantasy land, she completely dilutes any sense of relevance in her own stories.  I have yet to see a couple in love that resembles anything close to an Edward/Bella or Melanie/Jared situation.  I know I am not the target audience for these things and clearly Meyer is earning her millions by pleasing her demographic; I just worry what she is teaching young ladies to expect from potential boyfriends.  That vampire guy watches you when you sleep and the guy in this one tries to kill you.  But like I said, it’s at least more interesting than “Twilight.”  So there you have it.