Sloppy Joes

G.I. Joe: Retaliation
written by Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick

directed by Jon M. Chu

Starring Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis and Channing Tatum

PG-13

110 Min

What could Bruce Willis be thinking?  Last month, he put the nail in John McClane's coffin with "A Good Day to Die Hard" and now he's even giving the original Joe a bad name in "G.I. Joe: Retaliation."  I'd have considered "A Good Day to Die Hard" tolerable if I'd known just how bad "G.I. Joe" would be.  And boy is it bad.  This film is like the dumb jock in a room full of dumb jocks.  With one incomprehensible scene after another, this is an excruciating experience in every regard.  If you want a better use of your money, go to your nearest gym and pay one of the customers $10 to flex his muscles for you before punching you in the stomach.

I never saw the first "G.I. Joe" but I can't imagine it has much to offer if this is all they could come up with for a sequel.  It involves a group of supposedly elite soldiers who are dubbed "the Joes" and are apparently the gold standard in United States security.  They sweat a lot, and shoot stuff and blow things up real good and essentially run around doing pretty much whatever they'd like as far as I can tell.  Oh, one of them is Channing Tatum, code name 'Duke.'  I guess he's the leader; and he sucks at video games.  Then there is Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), whose name makes it sound like he should be fighting alongside another familiar set of Hasbro toys.

There are some bad guys as well.  The one called Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) is using nano-technology to pose as Jonathan Pryce, who is the POTUS.  Seriously, his character name is "President."  He performs the task as well as any other movie President, always asking a group of sociopath advisers what they think the proper course of action is.  In one really absurd sequence, the poser President attends an international meeting where several world leaders pull out their own nuclear launch devices as if it were the CES of WMDs.  Anyway, the POTUS poser uses his power to wipe out all but just a few Joes, who then must find and recruit who I think is supposed to be the original Joe (Bruce Willis) to help them pummel the POTUS and preserve the peace.  They're all still sweating, mind you.

Would it help for me to have seen the first film?  I don't think so.  This one does a bang-up job of telling the audience who is who and what's what and all that.  But each scene is completely disconnected from the one before it.  If the narrative were constructed of sentences it would look something like: "BANG!  Dumb action.  Stupid dialogue.  Dumb action.  BANG!  Mediocre musical score.  Sweat.  Dumb action.  BANG!  You get the picture.  There is a middle act ninja fight on the side of some snowy cliffs.  So if that's your thing, you're welcome to it.  But not a single event in this movie challenged my thought process or so much as gave me a heart palpitation.  

Mercifully, the film does eventually end; but I kept wondering what could have possibly delayed the film's release for nine months.  It certainly could not have been improved in any way.  My guess is the studio figured "G.I. Joe; Retaliation" would get smashed by all the blockbusters that it would have competed with on its original release date last summer.  Or maybe somebody said: "this is literally the worst movie ever made; let's make it worser."  Yeah, I know 'worser' isn't a word, but "G.I. Joe: Retaliation" isn't a movie.  It's a disaster.  I think Bruce Willis owes everyone an apology.

What happened to the North's witch?

Oz the Great and Powerful
Starring James Franco, Michelle Williams, Mila Kunis, Zach Braff and Joey King
Written by Mitchell Kapner & David Lindsay-Abaire
directed by Sam Raimi
Rated PG

130 Minutes

 



It is undeniable that "Oz the Great and Powerful" is a lot of fun.  This is a beautifully realized film, with the unmistakable Sam Raimi signature on it.  The very opening credits almost not need mention his name for their revealing style.  With plenty to offer a modern-day family, but not much to stand on when compared against the classic, this is a movie worth seeing just for the sake of seeing the land of Oz on screen once again.

As a prequel, I suppose "Oz the Great and Powerful" has a whole lot more going for it than the stage musical "Wicked," which will undoubtedly be translated to film at some point.  "Wicked" undermines every plot detail of "The Wizard of Oz" and completely misses the point.  This new Disney film wins just by staying more true to the magic and scope of the 1939 classic.  It even begins in black and white; filmed and displayed in a square frame format to match its predecessor and emphasize the dreary relism of Kansas.  James Franco plays the Oz of the title; Oz being short for something I can't recall.  Or even pronounce.

Oz is a talented but selfish circus act; breaking girls' hearts by selling them a line of bull just to integrate a pretty face into his show.  He comes off as obviously phony, and when an audience member calls him out, he pulls off a pretty neat trick.  Of course, being good isn't good enough.  Oz wants to be truly great.  So much, in fact, that he turns down the offer of a happy life with Annie (Michelle Williams) just to make it big.  And boy does he make it big.  When a wild tornado hits the circus, he is swept away in his hot air balloon to the wonderful land of Oz.  Believe me when I say he notices the name.

Right off the bat, he meets Theodora (Mila Kunis), a soft-spoken witch who gets a bit of a crush on him.  Seeing how naive she is, Oz is more than happy to oblige, especially when she tells him he is the great wizard whose coming was fortold by her father.  The problem, you see, is that the wicked-witch (nope, not that one) Evanora (Rachel Weisz) will do anything to stop the prophecy coming true, including sending her batch of flying monkeys to intervene.  And this is just the beginning of Oz's laundry list of hurdles he must overcome.

It's worth noting that once the wizard makes it to Oz, the screen format opens up and the color becomes blindingly vibrant.  This is an absolutely beautiful movie, with cinematography by Peter Deming and a list of art directors worth checking imdb for.  The only complaint I have is that so much of this is obviously digitally created; giving it more than a passing resemblance to Tim Burton's 'Alice in Wonderland,' but also taking away from the magic of the original film, which was a landmark production in 1939.  The characters, too, aren't as much fun this time around.  Just like Dorothy had companions, so does Oz.  He acquires a truly good flying monkey named Finley (Zach Braff), who sounds a lot like his friend Frank back home.  And there is a fragile little girl made of china (Joey King) who must remind Oz of a crippled girl he failed to heal during a cricus performance.

These are well-developed characters, but I was longing for the living, breathing presence of the Scarecrow and Tin-Man.  Even the cowardly lion makes a brief appearance, just not as you remember him.  The best connection to "The Wizard of Oz" is Michelle Williams as Glinda the good.  She gives a truly enchanting performance that echoes the Billie Burke version while also claiming it as her own.  As Theodora, Mila Kunis is fine; but considering the-uh-transformation her character goes through, she was perhaps miscast.

There is a pretty rousing climax that sets things up nicely for a sequel to bridge this film with the classic you know and love.  For that, it's worth the price of admission.  Sam Raimi is apparently not on board to do another, and that's just as well.  He has provided a wonderful entertainment that really reaches to honor its inspiration.  Sometimes it hits the mark.  But I think if you're anything like me, you'll want to go home after, put in your copy of "The Wizard of Oz" and smile while thinking to yourself: they don't make them like they used to.

Down, but not out...

Dead Man Down
Starring Colin Farrell, Noomi Rapace and Terrance Howard
written by J.H Wyman
directed by Niels Arden Oplev

Rated R
110 Minutes

 

It’s too bad that the trailers for “Dead Man Down” make it look like just another generic action movie with gratuitous gun violence and explosions; because director Niels Arden Oplev serves up what is actually a deeply involving character drama featuring two tortured souls against the backdrop of an organized crime setting.  Sure, “Dead Man Down” has violence on its mind, but with knockout performances by Colin Farrell and Noomi Rapace, this is a much smarter feature than its marketing would imply. 

Colin Farrell is a criminally under-used actor, but turns in possibly his best performance yet playing Victor, an enforcer for Alphonse (Terrance Howard), who operates a number of buildings throughout New York to maintain crime rackets.  Victor doesn’t say much; but instead seems to always be regarding things with quiet focus.  He listens intently to his only friend Darcy (Dominic Cooper) talk about his new baby and how fatherhood can turn even the hardest hearts soft.  There are other characters of interest; like Beatrice (Noomi Rapace).  She lives across from Victor and they have entire conversations that consist almost entirely of waves and glances.

Beatrice is slightly disfigured after a car accident, but gets the courage to call Victor up for a meal.  He doesn’t even notice her facial scars, but holds back for other reasons.  Without spilling the beans, Victor and Beatrice are both grieving and both want revenge.  While Victor has set up an elaborate scheme for his revenge, Beatrice struggles to even function because she’s so shattered by what has happened to her.  It is quickly revealed that she has witnessed Victor doing something related to his occupation.  She has video and threatens to turn him in unless he kills the man who disfigured her.  He explains that what she saw is not what it appeared to be and reveals his background.

It is these developments that occupy the bulk of “Dead Man Down” with maddening urgency.  Both of these characters are short-sighted by their grief and while the organized crime plot plays a vital role in Victor’s past, it is mainly just the vehicle for his journey of renewal.  Victor and Beatrice begin to realize things about one another that make them rethink their original plans.  And while the film is not devoid of action, it is sparse and serves only to punctuate the desperation of Victor’s circumstances.

The screenplay by J.H. Wyman is so nuanced in its presentation of these characters.  When the film is winding toward its conclusion, with the tension becoming unbearable, the script finds a perfect balance of payoff; offering action, but resisting the urge to end on cathartic carnage.  What happens to the people who deserve what’s coming to them isn’t what you’d expect.  And that’s really kind of nice.  There are even brief moments of sympathy for Alphonse, who isn’t painted as pure evil; and Terrance Howard plays him subtly, as a man who is probably a coward.  As Beatrice, Noomi Rapace continues to show her range and appeal to an American Audience.  She worked under Oplev for the original Swedish adaption of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” and there are shades of her Lisbeth Salander character from that picture in this one.

The real standout of “Dead Man Down” is Colin Farrell.  He is fantastic as an introspective man tortured by his tragic past, and mercilessly patient in his plan for revenge.  And  “Dead Man Down” requires a patient audience; one that can sit through scenes of subtle glances and grim conversation.  Action hungry audiences won’t find what they’re looking for, but it’s great for those who can relate to loss and desperation.  That a movie called “Dead Man Down” can wallow in these things and still end on a happy note is impressive.  After all, it begins with two people wanting revenge and in the end getting exactly what they need.